Warning for discussion of my struggles with an eating disorder.
I wrote a few things when I was in a really low place, attempting to generate some optimism. I realised it was the slight rationality in my mind trying to reach out. I’m feeling a lot better currently, but I know that in the future I will find myself in a dark place again. So this is for the me who’s struggling, and for anyone else who may relate.
I guess the main point is, you’ve got to keep going. You’ve been in this place before; I know the familiarity is becoming stronger and stronger with every struggle. You’ve felt the heaviness attempt to exhaust you, like a weight is pressing down and trying to drain you… But you have an 100% survival rate of this. There’s an entirety of opportunities waiting for you that I know you’re desperate to explore. There’s a version of you in the future who is visiting all these amazing countries, who’s eating all these fancy foods without a second thought. There will be a moment where you’ll suddenly be faced with the realisation that you’re happy. Not content, not simply “okay”, you’re in love with being alive. You’ve just got to make it there. It definitely exists because I know you’re going to fight for it.
The world is not going to explode if you eat that. Damn, the worlds not going to explode if you eat 10 of that. You don’t have to justify eating something when everyone else eats it without a second thought. You don’t need to place so many rules and restrictions on yourself; I promise you it will never make you happy. It will never make you healthy. You’ve spent your time personifying anorexia in poems and stories for a reason, you know it does not define you, that it isn’t a part of who you are. Don’t let itcontrolyou. I know it’s not easy to silence it, but at least work towards quieting it down.
Recovery will be worth it. There’s so many delicious foods that you are almost forgetting the taste of. Don’t let tasty treats and take outs become a distant memory; you have only ever had positive connotations with them. You remember sitting on the sofa with your friends, a movie playing and bowls of snacks being devoured. Those were some of the best nights and now you’re finding yourself losing that social aspect. Recovery is more than just feeding yourself and becoming healthy; It’s rediscovering those relationships that you isolated from in fear of eating out. It’s gaining the energy back to actually explore and take opportunities. It’s making the family that worry so desperately about you happy and proud. It’s acting as crazy and confident around your friends as you once were before your mind became consumed with all the negativity. I’m not saying don’t do this for yourself, but acknowledge the other people who will benefit from your recovery. Do it for them too.
Your body loves you; don’t fight it.