A SERIES OF BEGINNINGS

Warning for slight discussion of my struggles with an eating disorder. 

This post is kind of an update on my life, wanting to just ramble on about how I’ve been since coming back from Thailand. In all honesty, I am in a strange liminal state between feeling extremely happy but also not quite satisfied. After you’ve spent time exploring such an incredible country, returning to England does feel somewhat melancholic. However, I did leave Thailand optimistic and ready to get better in regards mainly to my mental health, but also to my work ethic and motivation (which in a way, do kind of relate to my mental health; they’re all connected!) so I have definitely spent time trying to focus on all that.

Like I wrote in my post “A time for recovery”, I finally started my journey in receiving help for my eating disorder. I had an assessment with a very sympathetic and caring woman called Jayne who made me feel comfortable enough to open up, allowing me to just throw everything out onto the table. Despite it being terrifying, it also gave me the biggest sense of relief I had ever felt. Before her, no one knew every single aspect of this issue like I did, but now I don’t have to carry this guilt and pain alone. It’s like she offered to hold a strap of my heavy baggage, making the weight slightly less… well, heavy. Also, I had never been so blunt and to the point about my bad habits and mechanisms, realising that when I wasn’t glamourising them like I do in my brain when a part of me fears recovery enough to want to stay unwell, I am able to truly see the severity of my problems.

So I sat in that office, my heart palpitating and my mind chaotic, with just one lingering question left playing on my lips, “What next?”

I’m starting therapy (wooo!!)!!! I’m really looking forward to it, especially after feeling the relief of pouring everything out to Jayne. I see this as a big step forward and although I know at times it will be challenging, I am definitely going to be approaching this optimistically! Along with this, I also have an appointment booked with a dietician!!! Let’s do this! It’s time for my eating disorder to quite simply fuck off! 

As I like to make obvious, Mental health is always the priority. If you’re struggling, it’s okay to take time to care for yourself and focus on your own happiness. Your mentality heavily stems from the opinions you have of yourself so treat your body and being with care. I will always try to focus on this, but this week I have decided to step slightly out of my comfort zone and I now have a full time job!! After having the interview last Tuesday and being offered the job a couple of hours later, I am now a Customer Service Advisor at a call centre! I have only ever worked in hospitality before so this new aspect of CS is exciting! I started a couple of days ago and have really enjoyed it so far! I want to see how I manage it but am aware that it’s okay if it becomes too much. Mental health ALWAYS comes first.

So hey, that’s mainly what I’ve been up to recently! I just thought I would post a little update! Today I am feeling happy because I had pizza for lunch for the first time in a looong time and guess what? The world didn’t explode!!!  It was delicious and I don’t regret a single bite. Because you don’t need to try and justify anything you eat. You don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed for any food you put in your body. Your body is incredible and deserves more than restrictions.

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