So, tomorrow I will be attending an Eating Disorder Assessment in order to finally get closer to having the treatment and help I need. I have had this appointment booked for roughly two months, meaning when I received the letter about it, I didn’t really process that this is it. I’m reaching out and getting help. which is simultaneously a wonderful yet also daunting thought. Now that it is literally tomorrow (!), I am definitely starting to process what this means and let it all sink in.
Like I said, this isn’t just impacting me positively, this is incredibly daunting; I know that whatever I will go through, it will be challenging for me. I have grown accustomed to my eating disorder, let simple tricks and mechanisms become habit for me that will be difficult to get out of. Also, eating disorders are manipulative, giving me fears and worries that I will have to face through recovery. I know that weight gain is something I will be expected of and although it is perfectly healthy and pretty much a necessity for me to survive, currently it is something that absolutely terrifies me. Additionally, I know that there is not a simple “treatment and cure”. This will not be something I will overcome in a matter of sessions. As dramatic as it sounds, this will be a continuous battle I will fight and there is no clear “Recovered!” flag waving in the distance, ready for me to run to. There is only my own ambition and motivation to keep going.
However, I do feel proud of myself for actually reaching out, acknowledging fully that I cannot get better on my own and knowing that that is okay! Reaching out is challenging, doing that alone is something of an achievement. I do also feel optimistic despite the anxiousness, I know I will come out of this a much happier person. The closer I am to receiving help, the closer I am to happiness.
We all deserve to enjoy food and not feel guilty for what we’re eating. We all deserve to snack at sleepovers, go for three course meals, and just appreciate taste. I write this a lot in posts and messages to other people struggling with an eating disorder – Why did we start manipulating energy into being the enemy?
In conclusion (wow this has suddenly become a High School English essay), I wrote in a previous post, “A Struggle to reach out”, the kind of “basis” of how I feel about this appointment;
“It was like the idealistic thought of all my problems going away were comforting, but the actual effort of trying to achieve recovery was DAUNTING.”
I am scared and worried about what will happen, but I know it will be better for me in the long run. It will be a million times worth it.
And hey, like they say, “feel the fear and do it anyway”, right? (And apparently I am ending this post with an unintentional rhyme!!)